How to Survive Falling off a Cliff: A Guide
by KingofJesters
Summary: Every Disney villain's guide to successfully destroy and/or conquer your foes without falling to your doom in the end.
1. Prologue

_A/N: Yes, I know I should be working on my other story, but I totally couldn't resist this idea! The credit goes to prewarmadness, who suggested the idea in a review. Thanks a bunch! _

_Also, I know this isn't _technically_ a Tangled or a Notre Dame crossover because there's a bunch of other villains in it, but there just wasn't any other place to put it. If anyone has a better place for this, please let me know! Thanks! _

_Anyways, enjoy!_

_Disclaimer: I (sadly) don't own any of these awesome characters. They belong to Disney. And L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. belongs to the creators of Phineas and Ferb. Also owned by Disney. Meaning that Disney owns everything. sigh..._

**How to Survive Falling off a Cliff: A Guide**

Presented By: Captain Hook, Judge Frollo, Gaston, Scar, Mother Gothel, Clayton, Evil Queen, Maleficent, Ratigan, and Hades

Prologue

We, the unfortunate villains who have met our ends by falling off cliffs or some other high building, have compiled this guide in order that you, the aspiring villain, will not come to the same end as we did. It is our wish that you will become the villains that we could not, and will be able to successfully imprison, destroy, and/or conquer your enemies.

This guide will show you how to:

~Successfully avoid crocodiles that are out for your blood.

~Be able to survive falls off of cathedrals, towers, clocks, and cliffs.

~Choose excellent minions that will not eat you after you have fallen.

~Avoid souls that will drag you to your doom.

~Successfully cut vines that will not restrict breathing.

~Successfully bump off kings without leaving their sons to avenge them.

~Kill beasts while fighting furniture.

~And many more!

Plus, this guide will also feature exclusive interviews from Captain Hook, Judge Frollo, Gaston, Scar, Mother Gothel, Clayton, and many more!

Come get your copy today! Sold at all _Villain _bookstores and at the "League of Villainous Evildoers Maniacally United for Frightening Investments in Naughtiness" (L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.) conventions. _Sold for a limited time only._


	2. Chapter One: How to Avoid Crocodiles

Chapter One- How to Avoid Crocodiles That Want to Eat You

I, Captain James Hook, have taken it upon myself to impart the wisdom of my long and timeless experiences with a giant crocodile. I feel that the skills that I will impart to you in this chapter will benefit you for ages to come, and will prove useful in more than one circumstance.

If you have ever found yourself fighting any of these opponents;

a. A flying boy with the uncanny ability to imitate crows

b. Indians with sharp arrows and spears

c. Mermaids

d. Fairies

Then this chapter will become infallible. There are three simple steps to avoid being attacked by these opponents if you ever find yourself trapped on an island with them.

Step 1. **Don't provoke them**, especially the flying boy. They enjoy fighting and if you provoke them, it will only fuel their desire to destroy you.

Step 2. **Attend to your business peacefully**. I'll admit, this was a hard step for me. Being a pirate means that I have to fight and pillage everything that I come across, so doing anything "peacefully" is going against the grain, if you will. But, if you wish to avoid being hunted by a giant crocodile, this is the only way to go about this.

Step 3. **Get out quickly. **If you are unable to accomplish the first two steps, than this step becomes the most important. If you cannot get out of the situation fast enough, than you might as well kiss your hand goodbye.

These steps will only help you when you have yet to have your hand eaten by a crocodile. However, if these steps have failed and your hand has been fed and the crocodile is already out for you, there is only one thing left to do:

**Feed it a clock.**

This is the only way that you'll be able to track its whereabouts in the future. Smee always says, '_If there's a tick, make like a stick.' _

I have yet to understand what he means, so if you figure it out, let me know. Or I will _hunt you down. _

Hopefully this chapter will help you avoid any messy situations in the future. It sure didn't help me.

Sincerely,

Captain James Hook, Pirate


	3. Exclusive Interviews

Advice about Cliffs, Nemesis', and other Tasty Tidbits

An Exclusive Interview with Claude Frollo, Mother Gothel, Ratigan, and the Evil Queen

**Q**: So, each of you met your ends by falling off a high building and/or some sort of cliff. Is there anything you would like to say to our readers that will help them avoid this fate in their own schemes?

**Frollo**: Well, the simple solution, at least in my experience, is to not climb on precarious objects while holding a sword aloft. You become quite top heavy that way. Or, you could just kill your victim early on and avoid the situation altogether.

**Ratigan**: Unless of course your nemesis is the rodent equivalent of Sherlock Holmes. You really don't stand a chance then. Nope, none at all.

**Mother** **Gothel**: I agree with Frollo, if I hadn't needed the girl alive I would have simply bumped her off sooner. But, well, it really wasn't her fault in the long run. It was that stupid hero and that frog!

**Evil** **Queen**: Just don't have dwarves chase you when you're disguised as a nasty old woman. It makes everything messy for everyone.

**Q**: Well, thank you for that wonderful advice, ladies and gentlemen. Are there any other tidbits of information that the readers might find useful in the future?

**Ratigan**: Just try and have a foolproof plan. If your plan is atrocious, your death will be also. The best way to go about this is to not have a clever nemesis and to never leave your nemesis alone when they're about to die. This gives them the chance to escape and will ruin your plan in the long run.

**Frollo**: Don't live near archdeacons, they tend to ruin your reign of terror over the scum of the earth.

**Mother** **Gothel**: I have one! Never let your own personal beauty run your life. You could never be a beautiful as me anyways.

**Evil** **Queen**: Mirrors and scales always lie. You are beautiful, but I'm still the fairest.

**Q**: Right…Well, that concludes our exclusive interview! Coming up next, How to Successfully Cut Vines!


End file.
